Arugululu in the Candle Shop
Once upon a time in a tiny village named Tumbrics there was a candle maker named Alfabetasupa. Whenever he said his name his head and shoulders bounced from left to right and from right to left. Try it: Alfabetasupa, Alfabetasupa, Alfabetasupa. That's how he said his name.
Alfabetasupa made very good candles. He used excellent wax, fine wicks and noiseless perfume. All the candles he made were high quality but he made one special candle that was better than all the rest. He used only wax made from whale snot (Eee-ew, whale snot!) called spermaceti. The wick was made from the chin whiskers of a mountain goat found only in Pakistan, It was a superior candle which he named Arugululu, nobody knows why. (Whenever he said Arugululu his head would first go way down, then it would go way up, try it: Arugululu, Arugululu, Arugululu.) But Alfabetasupa was sad, He wanted to make a candle that could whistle Yankee Doodle and he didn't know how. Maybe it was impossible. Nobody knew.
Alfabetasupa worked hard every day. Some people said, he could make one hundred excellent candles in a single day all on his own. I don't believe it, myself.
He worked so hard that he often got kinks in his neck and knots in his backbone. When he got the kinks and knots he always took a walk through the village to stretch himself out and untie the knots and de-kink the kinks. Of course he knew everyone in the village.
After checking the door twice times two he strolled out onto the cobblestones and headed for the bakery. The first person he met along the way was an old, old, old, really old man named Mickle. When Mickle said his name he knocked his knees together three times, sometimes four. Try it. Mickle, Mickle, Mickle.
--Howdy, said Mickle.
--Howdy, said Alfabetasupa.
--I can see you have a problem, said Mickle.
--I ain't got no problem, said Alfabetasupa.
--Ain't got no? Who taught you to talk? Said Mickle.
--Yo mama done teached me how to talk, said Alfabetasupa.
--That explains it, said Mr. Mickle. You'd best git along now.
Alfabetasupa went on his way. Soon he came to the barber shop. The barber was always telling people they needed a haircut because she didn't have enough business.
--Hey Alfabetasupa, time for you to get a haircut, said the barber.
--I don't need no haircut, replied Alfabetasupa.
--Don't need no? Who taught you to talk?
--Mickle's mama, said Alfabetasupa.
--That explains it, said the barber.
The barber's name was Pretty Patty Runnynose. Whenever she said her name she scratched her chin four times. Try it: Pretty Patty Runnynose, Pretty Patty Runnynose, Pretty Patty Runnynose.
Soon enough he arrived at the bakery.
--You'll excuse me for saying so, said the baker, who had no name, but I believe you have a problem.
--Nope, said Alfabetasupa.
--You want bread again today? Said she who bakes.
--Yep said Alfabetasupa. He picked out one of those long skinny breads that look like flutes, stuck it in his oxter and sauntered back toward his candle-erium.
A red bird sang three notes. Alfabetasupa suddenly remembered what his problem was. He didn't know how to make a candle that could whistle Yankee Doodle. Nobody knows why the red bird sang three notes.
Alfabetasupa rushed to the doctor's clinic.
--You got a problem honey chile? said the doctor.
--I want to make a candle that can whistle Yankee Doodle but I don't know how. I thought maybe you would have some brains lying around that I could try, said Alfabetasupa.
--Don't be foolish, said the doctor, brains can't make you whistle Yankee Doodle unless they are connected to a body. You would have to stuff a whole person into the candle and you will never be able to find anyone who will do it.
One fine day in late October a tramp came knocking on the door. The tramp was tired from tramping across the country, catching hobo trains, riding in the back of turnip trucks, tramping one foot after the other till he happened to reach the village where Alfabetasupa lived and made excellent candles. Excellent candles! The tramp, whose name was Bob O'Link said he was hungry and tired and wet and cold and dirty and could he come in, please? When Bob O'Link said his name he clapped his hands once for every syllable. Try it: Bob O'Link, Bob O'Link, Bob O'Link. Alfabetasupa said he could come in if he wiped his feet first.
--I have a problem, said Alfabetasupa.
--Oh, what is it?, said the tramp.
--I want to make a candle that can whistle Yankee Doodle, said Alfabetasupa.
--Why?, said the tramp.
--Nobody knows? Said Alfabetasupa. The only way I can figure out how to make a candle that can whistle Yankee Doodle is to stuff a person into the candle. The town doctor told me that. But I can't find a human who will let me stuff him into a candle.
--That makes sense, said Bob O'Link the tramp.
--Would you let me stuff you into a candle if I paid you? said Alfabetasupa.
--How much? said Bob O'Link.
--Two dollars? said Alfabetasupa.
--Two dollars? I'd do it for twice times two, said the tramp.
--It's a deal, said Alfabetasupa
So he gave the tramp some dinner, let him wash up and get some fresh clothes, then stuffed him into the candle, At last he had done it. He had made a candle that could whistle Yankee Doodle. Nobody knows why.
Can you whistle Yankee Doodle? Would you let Alfabetasupa stuff you into a candle if he paid you twice times two dollars? I wouldn't, even if it were a really excellent candle. Nope.
The end.
