He Said, She Said

Some people swore that the house was haunted. She said that it wasn't.

So I Tweeted her and she Tweeted me, and that's how we met. I said if she could tell me all about that so-called haunted house in one Tweet. She said I am tall, thin, red-haired and my skin hurts. I hate geeks and atheists.

So I said Well, I am a geek and an atheist. But I want to hear about the house. Want to have coffee?

So she said no.

So I said That's just because your skin hurts. Meet me at Coffee Dan's at 8.

So she said FO.

So I said I'll be there.

She said Ha!

So I went and there was this tall thin red-headed girl with a pained expression. I said hi and she said hi. We sat down together and had some coffee, regular. She wanted to go out and smoke.

So she left and I sat there nursing my regular. Lo and behold, in walks another red-headed girl with a long skinny body, looking around as if to find someone. I hailed her, she walked toward me, smiling, then walked right past me to catch up to her girlfriend.

So I went home and tweeted her again and said I was there, where were you?

She answered Ha!

Well, you can imagine I was ready to give up on her when all of a sudden I get another tweet from her and she said It was nice that you went there even though I said I wouldn't go. How about tonight?

So I said You bet.

Well, she did show up and so did I and we sat and talked and drank regular for an hour or so. Then she said you want to come over to my place?

I said You bet.

We took the second door on the left and she unlocked that. In we went.

I sat on the canvas couch and she gave me a Dr. Pepper. Then she said now that I have you here, I want to show you something.

I said okay.

She said, this book, it tells you why you should believe in God and why that house is not haunted. I'm going to read it to you out loud, word for word. No interrupting.

I said oh God! And wondered why atheists say oh God!

So she started. I sat for half an hour then said I had an early appointment and left.

So she tweeted me and said come over tonight so I can read you more from the book.

I said no way.

So she said if you let me read my book to you, I'll let you read any book you choose to me.

I figured I could cope with her book and then I could get back at her with a book she couldn't possibly understand. So I said okay.

So I come over every night for two weeks and she reads that damned book aloud till it finally gets finished. So she said your turn. So up I comes with Finnegans Wake. Nobody understands that.

So I started to read but stopped after a few words because it wasn't a sentence. My English teacher told me how to recognize a sentence so I knew it wasn't. Becky (the red-headed girl) said it wasn't a sentence too. We couldn't figure out how a book could start out with not a sentence, so we made out for awhile and I went home. Nothing was ever the same again after that.